Day 1- Witnessing your Fears

May cause Miracles-Day 1
We started on a Sunday because that is what Gabby suggested we do.  Today we had to look at our fears as if we are in outsider just watching from across the street.  It was interesting because today during my yoga class my instructor kept saying to notice your thoughts and not judge them.  Allow your thoughts to flow, notice them without judgement and then let them leave. I absolutely had different fears today because this was not a normal workday/weekday.  Instead I woke up, went to yoga, attempted to go to the oyster festival, but instead ended up having a drink with a few friends and a baby, then came home and tucked in my bed to research more about Charleston before my job at COA starts tomorrow. Pretty simple day.
Here are the journal entry questions that we are to answer for our first day. Here I go.

What experiences trigger my fear?

What thoughts trigger my fear?

What are the feelings that come over me when I am in fear?

How does my fear affect my behavior?

This morning I decided to text an ex-boyfriend to see if he would meet to talk to me so I could have some closure, and finally return my book, even after he promised to leave it on my porch while I wasn't home (just another broken promise on his end). "Sure we can meet but I am not giving your book back." Apparently I still have one of his jackets that I didn't realize I have and he was holding my book as "ransom" in exchange.  I bugged out. Responded irrationally. And as usual took an 'its all my fault' stance.  I went to yoga and somewhere during my practice I remembered what I was suppose to do today.  'I am willing to witness my fear".  Ok.
Texting an ex and him actually responding, that absolutely triggered my fear.
Feeling that he would be mad at me, decide not to meet with me, and that I would 'lose him' triggered my fear.
When I feel this my chest hurts substantially, like a heavy weight is resting on it.  I have a hard time breathing.  My shoulders get really tense.  And then I get really angry, usually at myself, and feel like I want to punch things.
I begin to think irrationally, act irrationally, respond too quickly and without thinking first.  I freaked out.  Texted a bunch of other people to get some advice.  Texted my sister to get his jacket back. Fell apart from my normally strong self to someone weak in the knees.
 What I learned? Screw him. and screw his jacket.  I'm not meeting with him tomorrow and he can have my fucking book.  I'll buy a new one when I have money again.

Just typing the word money now sent a shiver of fear down my spine.  God I hate money!
The thought of money and spending it or not having enough of it triggers my fear.
I get really anxious and nervous. When I think about money I cry.  When I have to pay the doctor I cry. The mechanic I cry. Anyone where I feel like I am getting ripped off money and I think I can negotiate it I cry.  It makes my stomach hurt.  I get nauseous and feel considerably sick over it.  Its interesting though since it has always worked out.

Another fear that has been popping up for a long time is while I am at yoga class.  I can't do a lot of the poses that the other people can do.  I'm not flexible, my hips don't turn out, it hurts my back and hips to do a lot of the poses, and I can't do them as well as other people.  This makes me not try as hard sometimes, and when the teacher comes over to help me I get really defensive. I feel defeated, and have actually walked out of class before instead of finishing.

Top three fears (1 - 10, 10 is the strongest)
Having someone be mad at me 9
Losing someone that I have feelings for7
Money 10